Friendship

I didn’t marry my best friend

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The idea of marrying your best friend seems like a relatively new one. When I was growing up and even dating, that wasn’t a big thing. But in recent years, I heard about it more and more. It sounds like a nice concept. Unless you’re like me and you know that you didn’t marry your best friend. Then the idea made me uncomfortable. Did I marry the wrong person? Should I have waited for my best friend? Whoever that was?

I was in my mid-twenties and my husband was in his late twenties when we met. We had known each other for a few months casually before we started dating. Soon into dating, we started talking about marriage. We wondered how long we should wait to get engaged and we thought six months seemed reasonable. Andy proposed exactly six months later and we married a few months after that.

Did I love this man? Entirely. Was I committed? Absolutely. Was he my best friend? Um…. no. I had known him for barely over a year! I had shoes I’d known longer than him. Let alone my friends from childhood, high school, and college. I knew all their stories and they knew all of mine. These women were my collection of best friends. He was not my best friend– he was my husband. Even now I cringe while writing that because it seems socially unacceptable to admit, but it’s true.

Andy and I have had discussions about this over the years and he said I wasn’t his best friend either. He also came into our marriage with best friends from junior high, high school and college. Many of them stood with us on our wedding day to acknowledge the role and the history they held in our lives.

Two years into our marriage we started to make new couple friends and then we were a package deal, a two-for-one friend special. New friends would come into our lives to take the role of the best friend if even just for a season.

True confession- I actually hate the phrase ‘best friend’ and I’ve avoided naming anyone that my whole life. I always felt like it would leave someone out if I declared someone my best friend. So I’ve called my friends just, friends. Or, “friends we’re hanging out with a lot right now.”

Fast forward a dozen years and a road trip across the country later. Andy and I have built hundreds and hundreds of shared experiences into our relationship. With knowing each other for only a year when we got married, we simply didn’t have time and history on our side yet. But now we’ve gotten to know each other better than anyone else.

When something funny, good or bad happens, I want to tell Andy about it first. It wasn’t always this way. There were things I’d race to tell my friends or family. But that’s shifted over the years. It dawned on me recently that my husband is my best friend now. So I told him so over dinner one night. He smiled, considered it a moment, and said I’m his best friend too.

Imagine that.

Thirteen years after meeting him, I realize I did marry my best friend.

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A recent afternoon walk in the sunshine.

 

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West to southwest

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The next part of our road trip/sabbatical took us on a loop of visiting some of our favorite people.

In Washington state we saw family and lots of friends, some I hadn’t seen in 18 years! Portland and Bend gave us more friends and their families and we got to visit our own family in Eugene, Oregon. From there, we took ourselves wine tasting in California before driving south to stay with friends on the Central Coast. On the first full day of our visit Andy went down a bouncy house slide and landed smack on his ankle. It swelled with impressive hues of purple and laid him up for the next few days and we both got sick for the first time on the trip. We were staying with wonderful friends who made us homemade chicken noodle soup and took us on new adventures together at the pier, coffee and thrift shops and bubblegum alley.

We went to church with our friends and the pastor talked about our spirits being like a cup and the Holy Spirit our unlimited refills. He said some of us are full, some are empty and others are somewhere in between. If we’re full, we don’t need to keep consuming more and more (church, messages, etc.) we can pour out so we can be refilled again.

I really liked that message and kept turning it over in my mind. There have been times where I was running on empty and other times in my life that I kept taking in more information instead of pouring out what I had been given to others. I looked at our trip, 9 weeks or so on the road at that point, and I realized I had been slowly getting refilled as we moved along the road. My first big fill up was with our friends in Vancouver, BC. We were still getting our travel legs under us and they gave us love in time and generosity that caught me by surprise. More fill ups happened with friends and family in Washington, Oregon, and now California.

Just to clarify, I’m not saying having good friends are better than Jesus. I’m saying God used our family and friends to fill me back up. He was speaking through them, to my soul that had become a bit dry and crusty. Some spoke difficult truth in love, others gave kindness and hope when I was discouraged. One friend said she noticed a different gentleness in the way we spoke to each other since the last time she had seen us. I was glad she took the time to see it and tell me, it was encouraging.

I left California refreshed and optimistic about what was next for us. Andy drove us through 4 states that day, California, Nevada, Arizona and Utah. Next up was the beautiful landscape of more National Parks and another week of camping, our last long stretch of it! More of Utah in the next post.

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Our trusty steed

The People Part!

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Andy on the ferry from Orcas Island to Anacortes in Washington

After visiting the North Cascades we went back up into Canada, but this time to see friends. Our number 2 reason to take this trip was to spend time with people we love that we rarely get to see. We started calculating our vacation time versus the distance and cost to travel to see people and how many years it would take to see them all, and it would have been years upon years. So when we started kicking around the idea of this trip, dropping in with friends and family along the way made great sense! We couldn’t think of any better way to maintain those relationships than to spend time together- so we did.

We lived and laughed with everyone we connected with and our time together was heart and soul filling. Often our friends shared how God has been working in their lives recently and we stepped away encouraged. It would be a ridiculously long list if I mentioned each person individually and shared how much we enjoyed our visit so I’m going to summarize and please know that we LOVED our time with you and are so grateful we were able to visit!!

From BC, Washington, Oregon and California we visited 48 friends and family! (Not counting Montana and Alberta there were another 19.) Huh, it really didn’t feel like a lot until I counted them all! See– this would have taken years to pull off with annual vacation weeks!

The big chunk of visiting took place over a month, with camping and a hotel night in between. It was definitely what Andy affectionately calls, “The people part of the trip.” He said if we were going to move somewhere we should pick the Pacific Northwest because we’d have some built in support to build community out here. All I have to say is tempting… because everyone we’ve spent time with is wonderful. And then I think of the people that call us Auntie and Uncle and I want to point the car east and head toward home.

But not yet. We have a month to go (roughly- as I’m writing this) and I’m doing my best to enjoy these moments as I’m in them. I’m thankful for this time that Andy and I have together and am so grateful for the kind people in our lives that we’ve been able to reconnect with on this trip.

Thanks for inviting us into your lives, homes, vacations, breakfasts, lunch meet ups, sailboat, football stadium, beach bonfire and ice cream shops. We love you all.

And come to Minnesota, will ya?

Just making sure of you

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“Pooh?” whispered Piglet. “Yes, Piglet” said Pooh. “Oh, nothing” said Piglet. “I was just making sure of you.”

The morning after my brother died, a friend gave me a card with this conversation on it. She also brought over a homemade meal, made our bed and stayed to fold the laundry. The words are such a sweet sentiment. My friend was making sure I was still there, that I would be alright. She was gently checking in.

This past week of the first year anniversary of my brother’s death several people have checked in. Many via text, phone calls or facebook and I appreciate each one. One friend asked if she could bring a meal over. So last week we ate broccoli cheddar soup, muffins and salad on a rainy night.

Another friend sent me a picture of a box addressed to me and said, “I know this must be a a bit of a tough week for you, so I wanted to attempt to “brighten” it up for you. I managed to put a care package together and tried to mail it to you so you would receive “a box of sunshine” on Friday. However, the USPS denied it (cause who knew you couldn’t send baby bottles of alcohol in the mail? Not me.). ”

I laughed and then promptly cried at her thoughtfulness. It is a really good feeling to be thought of, to be remembered. It’s pretty hard to feel alone when others are remembering with you.

Community is one of God’s best ideas.

Thanks friends, I feel loved.